Southern Guidelines
With all the movies being filmed here and the chance that Cyber Command might bring a whole bunch of people in (that ain’t from around here), it might be good to have some sort of guide for those not familiar with the hospitality offered (often against your will) in this area of the country. These were forwarded to me in one of those mass emails. I like them. You might want to add your own in an effort to welcome our new residents!Â
If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
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Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store…. do not buy food at this store.
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Remember, “Y’all” is singular, “all y’all” is plural, and “all y’all’s” is plural possessive.Â
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Get used to hearing “You ain’t from round here, are ya?”
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Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
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Don’t be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can’t understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “big’ol,” truck or “big’ol” boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
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The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
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Be advised that “He needed killin.” is a valid defense here.
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If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all watch this,” you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he’ll ever say.
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If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn’t matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
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Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
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In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. Â
November 14th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
Y’all, I was drankin’ my Pabst Blue Ribbon in a brown paper back while readin’ this. I am FIXIN’ to go take my pickup truck to the Bait N’ Food Shop to pick me up somethin’ ta eat for dinner. Maybe…nutria?
November 14th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
BACON! I want bacon!
November 14th, 2007 at 3:15 pm
Your friend’s cousin’s brother is your friend’s wife’s dad.
November 14th, 2007 at 3:27 pm
Lindsay, you can come eat at the Grub ‘n Scrub. Get the mud washed off your tires while you eat.
November 14th, 2007 at 4:31 pm
I don’t have mud on my tires…I me me a par (
November 14th, 2007 at 4:33 pm
oops…that got erased…
I WAS trying to say:
I don’t have mud on my tires. I got me a par (
November 14th, 2007 at 4:34 pm
WHAT IS THE DEAL…MY MESSAGE ISN’T GOING THROUGH.
TRY AGAIN:
I don’t have mud on my tires. I got me a pair of Yosemite Sam mud flaps that says “Back Off!”
I also have a rebel flag bumper sticker and one of them decals that says “I’d rather be fishin’”…
Anybody know when I can done git some tackle for my new rod?
November 14th, 2007 at 6:54 pm
LindsAY don’t drink and post.
November 14th, 2007 at 7:58 pm
Haaaaaa…y’all are cracking me up! Linds, you were right with, “I got me a par of…” That’s how you would say it. Why are you trying to be so sophisticated with the word ‘pair’? Hold tight, gurrl. It’s par. I put this in the ‘philosophy’ category! That’s funny to me somehow.
November 14th, 2007 at 8:54 pm
Your `huntin dawg’ cost more than the truck you drive
him around in. If the truck is a nice one, you can duct tape a pole on the back with a big confederate flag and put the dawg in da back!!!!!
November 15th, 2007 at 12:30 am
What is “Cyber Command” ?
I married a Yankee. She makes fun of the way I pronounce cement (s??-ment) and the fact that I say “fixin to” a lot. Maybe she needs killin.
November 15th, 2007 at 12:55 am
http://www.ktbs.com/news/Mayor:-Cyber-Command-at-Barksdale-a-‘done-deal’–4944/
That’s a story on Cyber Command. Word is, if we get it, it’ll bring some 10,000 jobs to the area.
Does Heather like grits? Can she fix ‘em? She might not need killin’ just yet.
November 15th, 2007 at 1:11 am
Man! I mean, Dang! I’d love to post something new, but I just can’t until the Queen of the South, Colleen, posts a comment here!
November 15th, 2007 at 9:53 am
Colleen is probably in Dixie Inn where they don’t got no nice untensils…they use them plastic thangs. She is fixin’ to make some grits and get ‘er done by readin’ this. Hold yer horses, gurl!
November 15th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
I’m sorry..I was busy averting a case of domestic violence yesterday…meaning I was trying to keep myself from hitting my husband! CRISIS CENTER HOTLINE HOW CAN I HELP YOU?…then I answer myself and talk myself down. Linds, you too will learn this trick as the years go by, it’ll keep you out of jail.
November 15th, 2007 at 4:56 pm
So will my therapist, Jack Daniels.
November 16th, 2007 at 7:09 pm
When yuinz guys start drinking pop and learn to redd up the house I will make grits.
November 16th, 2007 at 7:44 pm
Chris, If I were you, I’d either git yur gun or introduce Heather to Colleen. Ha…the pop thing…I love how every soft drink in the south is called, “Coke”.
November 18th, 2007 at 5:54 pm
I love the South. People say “thank you” and “m’am” and they’re always trying to get you to eat more. Growing up my grandparents in Jonesboro took me to the “Pack a sac” and we got icess and comic books and then visited people at the courthouse or the funeral home, where ever the coffee pot was on. We also climbed up the fire tire, peeled figs, snapped peas and ate watermelon with salt on it in the back yard. Good times.