33 Responses to “McCain Vows to Replace Secret Service with his own Bare Fists”

1. jchristie Says:
   May 6th, 2008 at 4:57 pm

   He’s no Chuck Norris.

2. Gerry May Says:
   May 6th, 2008 at 5:49 pm

   Chuck Norris for VP.

3. Gerry May Says:
   May 6th, 2008 at 5:51 pm

   Chuck Norris is so tough ….
   he once round-house kicked the Democratic Party symbol, a donkey, in the face. Its descendants are known as giraffes.

4. rt Says:
   May 6th, 2008 at 6:34 pm

   Because of this story I’m now convinced he is going to start WWIII and we’re all going to be killed. You can’t be president and have an attitude like that. I’ve never been so depressed.

   I’ve told my kids to forget about going to college. It’s pointless. I’m now taking their college funds and going to Europe and eating rich desserts and not worry about gaining weight.

   Also I’ve taken up smoking again.

5. WRyker Says:
   May 6th, 2008 at 6:43 pm

   Chuck Norris’s releases his plan for world peace by taking the governor of California with him on their “kick butt and ask questions later” USO world tour. While John McCain will require members of Congress to work out on the Total Gym for 15 minutes each day – or else they can’t vote on anything.

6. Sherri Says:
   May 6th, 2008 at 9:19 pm

   Chuck Norris was in the audience when John McCain started talking tough. Norris then roundhouse kicked McCain so hard he went back in time and went AWOL.

7. Trish Says:
   May 6th, 2008 at 9:45 pm

   If I didn’t think I would vote for him before….he’s SURELY got my vote now!!!! Yeahhhhhhhh!!!!! Mannnnnn!!!!!

8. MaryS910 Says:
   May 6th, 2008 at 10:01 pm

   McCain has become a caricature of his former self.

9. Molly Says:
   May 6th, 2008 at 10:24 pm

   I was there for that, Sherri, and McCain didn’t stand a chance against Chuck Norris. I mean, Chuck doesn’t even wear condoms because there’s no such thing as protection against Chuck Norris. One time he ate a whole cake before his friends could even tell him there was a stripper in it!

10. Sherri Says:
    May 6th, 2008 at 10:42 pm

    I know, Molly! He’s amazing. Meteorologist Joe Haynes was warning the ArkLaTex that a tornado was spotted in the area, when all of the sudden, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it. That’s where dust bunnies came from.

11. WRyker Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 5:57 am

    Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. Also, when an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side. Finally, there are no weapons of mass destruction, just Chuck Norris.

12. Latte Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 8:52 am

    I was given a “Walker - Texas Ranger” baseball cap by a friend )who was helping on a Walker-Texas Walker tv filming site outside Texarkana a few years ago) who got it from Chuck (guess my friend REALLY does not appreciate all the things that WE appreciate about Chuck and his impact on the world). I just can’t explain the feeling that comes over me whenever I wear my cap!!!

    Read it and weep fellows (and gals)!!!!

13. jchristie Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 8:56 am

    Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.

    Plus, I’ve heard that Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas and monsters check under their beds for Chuck Norris.

14. Latte Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 9:06 am

    Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.

15. Chuck Norris Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 9:09 am

    I hope SOMEBODY is paying me royalties from this website!!!!

16. Sherri Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 2:17 pm

    Dear Mr. Chuck Norris, with all due respect (as if I could offer up enough), I wrote the Chuck Norris jokes I posted above out of utter appreciation for all that is you! But I will still pay you royalites because I don’t have that much disability insurance and need my face in my line of work.
    Love, and of course Lust,
    A fan

17. G Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 3:57 pm

    thinking I may change my name to Chuck Norris… I stubbed my toe on a vaccuum cleaner once and a wad of dog hair mingled with things I could not identify fell out… almost like a dustbunny!

18. Logan Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 4:46 pm

    When kids go to sleep, they check their closets for the Boogeyman. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

19. Jody Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 4:56 pm

    Wow, Trish loves the exclamation mark, doesn’t she?

20. Jody Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 4:59 pm

    I mean “point, not mark.”

    I know the grammer police will get me if I don’t correct myself.

21. Nick C. Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 6:26 pm

    So I was reminded of my old friend, Chuck, and our time in Vietnam together. We were sipping pinot and eating lamb in the evenings, and tracking down Charlie during the days. One particular spring day, 1971, Chuck and I were given a top-secret mission to find this McCain fellow and bring him home. We recruited help from a friend, Mr. John Rambo. We started are journey north, over the border when…wait, my hot-pocket is ready. Holla!

22. qdog1963 Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 8:02 pm

    Jody, Remember when we interviewed Chuck (Seriously)

23. qdog1963 Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 8:05 pm

    I so wanted to vote Democrat this time. But after seeing this coupled with the Obama/Hillary Bataan Death March forces me to vote for McCain.

24. Sherri Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 8:33 pm

    qdog and Jody interviewed Chuck Norris? They questioned him and yet, they’re still alive?

25. LOU Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 9:03 pm

    a chuck norris roundhouse kick to the face…? is that what happened to Hazel and Jimmy?

26. Trish Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 9:54 pm

    I wish Chuck Norris was my mom.

27. Jody Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 11:00 pm

    Q-Dog- That must have been one of your other reporters!

    BTW… just wanted everyone to know that I have a picture of Sherri on my blog with blonde hair! It’s awesome!

28. Mr T Says:
    May 7th, 2008 at 11:16 pm

    I pity the fool that thinks they want some of Chuck!!!

29. qdog1963 Says:
    May 8th, 2008 at 5:56 am

    Or was that Chrissi?? I lose track.

30. Sherri Says:
    May 8th, 2008 at 8:21 pm

    Nick C, what if Chuck’s Hot Pocket were done before a daring rescue? Wouldn’t it then be a Cold Pocket?

31. G Says:
    May 8th, 2008 at 10:36 pm

    the heat friction release from just one of Chuck’s roundhouse revolutions is enough to heat every brick oven on earth (thank goodness for his control). Cold Pocket, I think NOT! Speaking of food processing; top secret blender that Chuck developed while supposedly working for Northrop in the early 70’s
    1-Fold
    2-Stir
    3-Mix
    4-Blend
    5-Combine
    6-Beat
    7-Cream
    8-Fluff
    9-Frappe
    10-Whip
    20-F3 (Severe tornado)
    40-F4 (Devastating tornado)
    60-F5 (Incredible tornado)
    80-F6 (Inconceivable tornado)
    100-CN Roundhouse (Atom Splitting)

    The blender project was ended since a nuclear implosion was necessary to keep the blender contents contained.

32. Russ Says:
    May 9th, 2008 at 7:23 pm

    Chuck is so ugly, that when he was born and first looked
    in the mirror, he round housed his Mother for giving him life.

33. Russ Says:
    May 9th, 2008 at 7:26 pm

    Chuck Norris is McCain’s body odor guard! Yeah, Chuck smells so bad noone notices when McCain forgets his deodorant.

Leave a Reply