This isn’t what I envisioned when I went to bed last night. 

Am I dreaming, or is that a familiar meow I hear off in the distance?

Spuff (my wayward calico cat) is on the roof next door.  I have to venture outside (before coffee) to get her down using a huge painting of myself I keep handy for this occasion.  Spuff slides down the painting.  It’s quite the neighorhood spectacle. 

Finally, a chance to make coffee. 

%$!@#.  No coffee filters! 

Fine, I’ll use a paper towel, which I can’t form just right for the purpose.  Mmm. crunchy coffee. 

Finally, a moment to gather myself.  Oh, but no.  Spuff proceeds to throw up on the coffee table, hitting a nice Italian book while she’s at it.  Then, she just walks off like, “Clean that up, will ya?”  More paper towels.  And solvents!  At this point, I’m looking for the environmental police to show up.  Or at least Al Gore. 

 While I have compassion for the environment and Spuff (you’d throw up, too, if you spent the night on the roof next door), I know that by the time I get back from my run, Spuff and Al Gore had better have this place spotless!

  

I’m considering selling my racing bike because it just hasn’t raced in about four years.  That’s a very long time in bike years.  And Suzie took all the good biking genes in our family.  And we’ve both had lots of close relationships with the pavement.     

Okay, maybe they weren’t that dramatic.

I’ve always loved swimming and running.  Not so much biking.  After the bike portion of my last triathlon, I asked someone to please throw my bike in the lake.  

But it wasn’t the bike’s fault!   

My problems with bike racing started when I was very young.  This picture was taken at the beginning of my very successful career of bike crashes.  I’m still sporting the stitches scar under my chin where I rode this bike off the porch. 

Oh sure, I started out with the right equipment.  Look at those disc wheels!  And with a frame that small, who needs carbon fiber or titanium?  

I think my problem is one of cycling attire.  From a very early age on, I just never got it right. 

 A fluffy dress and sweater buttoned at the top equal lots of wind resistance.  Good thing I was able to shave minutes off my time with that sleek haircut. 

  

Someone tell me why we thought it was funny in the 70s to draw coneheads on ourselves?  Several perfectly good pictures, with stellar examples of fashion at its best…ruined for life. 

In this Poloroid, the gold coneheads really don’t do a solid job of distracting you from the beehive Mom is sporting or the layered lingerie look I’m attempting.  And hey, you still get the message here:  Nothin’ beats a quilted robe in the hot sun.     

I’m sharing this story with you so you don’t have to go through the horror I experienced.  Please, people, learn from my mistakes and have a fruitful life before it’s too late!

I was blogging when The Boyfriend brought his puppy, Blue, over.  Spuff was not amused. 

In all the cat-dog chaos, I set my laptop on top of a burning candle.  Not on purpose. 

The Boyfriend, a firefighter, asked what was burning.  I said, “I’m not cooking anything tonight that smells like toxic plastic.”  Then I noticed my laptop, rapidly melting around the flame of the candle.  

What now?  I’m sitting two feet away from a fireman and nothing’s sinking in by osmosis.  Do I stop, drop and roll?  Implement my escape plan?  Begin crawling on the ground to avoid the heat and smoke?  Do I get some baking soda? 

It’s sad that all these options had to run through my mind before I actually removed the computer from the flame. 

But hey, I’m not blaming myself.  I’m blaming the school system, my parents and our government for not having the foresight to drill laptop fire relevant phrases like, “Stop, drop and roll” into my memory bank.  I mean, what catchy phrase comes to mind as a course of action when you think of laptop blazes?  See!   The empty set!  Oh sure, Texas gives every child a laptop in the classroom.  But do they teach them what to do in case they burst out in flames?  No.  They don’t.    

It’s one thing for a kid’s laptop to combust in flames, but what if it were you?  You’d be forced to talk on the phone or actually meet with someone face-to-face!  OMG!

So, that’s why in addition to opening a discussion forum here on what we can do as a community, city, nation and world to end the senseless burning of computers, I’ve started a for-profit organization called, “My Laptop Is On Fire, So Now What Do I Do?”  Or MLIOFSNWDID? for short. 

Here’s how it works.  With my new internet upgrades since the fire, you can leave your suggestions for how to handle a laptop fire, including catchy phrases that can be taught in our schools, under comments.  As soon as your comment is posted, your bank account will be hit for the cause.

Do it.  It’s for the children.    

The following actually happened.  Some of them involve me.  Some involve my sister.  Ever done something we need to hear about? 

You’ve attempted to iron at least one item of clothing with a hair flat iron because it was already plugged in.

You’re at work, you cross your legs in a meeting, only to reveal a Cling Free sheet sticking out of the cuff of your pant leg. 

You’re late to your spin class.  You’re the teacher.  You can’t find a hair tie.  A spinner asks you why you’re using a thong to tie back your hair. 

At a loss for words during a wedding toast, you suddenly blurt out into the microphone, “And now, I’d like to sing a song for you.”   

You have to go to the ER on the one day the hem of your pants fell as you were leaving for work.  The nice array of safety pins around your hem is attracting a lot of attention from medical staff. 

You took half of an Ambien, but didn’t go immediately to bed as instructed.  Before you finally crashed, you brushed your teeth with cortisone. 

You’re 16-years-old, reading a book at the dinner table with your family.  You come across a word you don’t know and ask aloud, “What’s a ****?”  Your younger brother and sister know what it is.

My sister’s cat, Sam Jackson, is very interesting.  He’s crosseyed, gay and pees in the toilet.  Here he is exhibiting the latter of the three.  More on his other quirks in another post. 

So, apparently this is not uncommon.  Sammy taught himself.  Can cats be taught to do this?  Or is it just something some do?   

My sister/one of our commenters, Suzie Talley, and Bruce Seelinger just got engaged.  I was in NC this weekend and got Bruce’s take on becoming a member of our family. 

I ran across this picture of me, HRB and Suzie on vacation somewhere and I suddenly realized why I force myself to go shopping before I leave town for any reason.  Whatup with the hard shoes, no socks and turtleneck?  No wonder in almost all of our vacation pics, we look very uncomfortable.  And well, what we used to call queer.

HRB apparently had to attend a business conference that day.   Points for Suzie for rockin’ the sailor top near the water.  She’s always had fashion sense.  Look at how she’s trying to distance herself from HRB and me.

That’s probably our dad in the background walking away like he doesn’t know us.

So, I’m in the ER today in a hospital gown and a male nurse says to me, “Hey!  You doing the Firecracker 5K in the morning?”  I paused and said, “I might sit this one out…you know, since I’m here and all..you know, like, right now and stuff…and all.”  I didn’t know how to respond, so in my search for the right words, somehow I came out with Valley Girl lingo.  But who can fault the guy for asking a question to which the answer is obvious…This guy rides his bike to work!  He can do no wrong. 

Anyway, this is an awesome race/run/healthwalk!  All the proceeds go toward the American Cancer Society.  It’s become such a cool tradition here.  Some 3500 people show up and crowd the streets of South Highlands.  Sportspectrum’s goal:  more than 4,000 participants tomorrow!

The details:  It starts at 8:00 a.m. in the parking lot of Mall St. Vincent.  If you aren’t already registered, it’ll cost you $20.  Great t-shirt, great post-race party, great cause!  For more details, go to www.sportspectrumusa.com.  

Got peeps in town?  Get ‘em up early and go meet your neighbors. 

KTBS 3 Meteorologist Joe Haynes came in 17th last year!  The first 100 males and first 60 females get cool beer mugs.  I have two in my freezer from previous races.  This is an event that’s fun to watch, run or walk. 

Happy 4th of July!