Seriously, we’re about to deliver these two stories on the 5:00 news.   Are these fights really about chicken fingers and mac and cheese or is there some unresolved resentment here?

1.   Around 2:30 this morning, two cousins were arguing over chicken fingers when they decided to take it outside.  One was shot in the shoulder.  The other was hit in the head with what police think was a rake.

2.  A father came home to find his son sitting on the floor in his underwear.  The son had showered and was eating macaroni and cheese.  Problem is… the father says the son is on the dope and not welcome there.  The son’s in jail now on burglary and property damage.   

The following actually happened.  Some of them involve me.  Some involve my sister.  Ever done something we need to hear about? 

You’ve attempted to iron at least one item of clothing with a hair flat iron because it was already plugged in.

You’re at work, you cross your legs in a meeting, only to reveal a Cling Free sheet sticking out of the cuff of your pant leg. 

You’re late to your spin class.  You’re the teacher.  You can’t find a hair tie.  A spinner asks you why you’re using a thong to tie back your hair. 

At a loss for words during a wedding toast, you suddenly blurt out into the microphone, “And now, I’d like to sing a song for you.”   

You have to go to the ER on the one day the hem of your pants fell as you were leaving for work.  The nice array of safety pins around your hem is attracting a lot of attention from medical staff. 

You took half of an Ambien, but didn’t go immediately to bed as instructed.  Before you finally crashed, you brushed your teeth with cortisone. 

You’re 16-years-old, reading a book at the dinner table with your family.  You come across a word you don’t know and ask aloud, “What’s a ****?”  Your younger brother and sister know what it is.